we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
