Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
