i would punch a child for taco bell
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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