you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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