It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
