Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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