Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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