I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
