I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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