What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Too much gin, very little bucket
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
