Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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