I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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