I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
