is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
