So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like a drive thru vagina
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
