just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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