she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
