I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
