In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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