well I can't set my house on fire every night
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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