Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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