did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
