Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
