fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
