Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
