i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
