Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
