fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
