My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
