Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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