we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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