I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
