She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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