I think my fart just growled at me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
