sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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