im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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