my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
