I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
