If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
