The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
