I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
