god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
