Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
