im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
