"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
