I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
