put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
