I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I take back everything I said about communal showers
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
