our cab driver is having phone sex.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
