This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
